On living for the applause

“I live for the applause, applause, applause. I live for the applause-plause, live for the applause-plause…” (thank you Lady Gaga)

I’ve already mentioned that I’m a recovering people pleaser. I say recovering because I believe the words we speak over ourselves matter and I am working hard with my therapist to change the narrative in my head and what I believe about myself. We are still trying to uncover the root of my people pleasing tendencies, but I’ve learned quite a few things in the process.

I’ve resented my propensity for people pleasing for years. I literally don’t want to be a people pleaser. But when you’ve been living a certain way all your life (or at least as long as you can remember) it’s nearly impossible to just stop. Part of me writing blogs is to challenge those tendencies by opening myself up to the possibility of rejection. Because we all know that where blogs live, there always seem to be at least a few trolls… And as silly as it sounds, the negative comment of an internet troll terrifies me.

After a session with my therapist this past July I wrote the following in the notes section of my phone:

“When you are a people pleaser, you live for the approval of others. When you live for the applause, you feel empty when there’s silence. When you look for your value to be affirmed by others, you feel a lack of self-worth when they aren’t affirming you. What’s worse, when they give you negative feedback you feel attacked.”

For those of you who are blessed and highly favored by the Lord and don’t struggle with people pleasing, let me explain a few things to you. We want you to like us. We want you to like us so much that we will do what we think you want us to do in order to get you to like us. We will also keep our own thoughts, desires, concerns, and opinions to ourselves in order to avoid even the inkling of conflict or disagreement (or maybe this part is my enneagram nine coming out?). It’s not that we don’t want to be known or that we want to be dishonest about who we are and what we think. It’s more that we would rather be a chameleon that everyone finds agreeable than a lizard that speaks their mind. We will only show you the sides of us that we think you will accept, hiding the pieces of ourselves that seem a potential for rejection.

I’ve watched this play out in many areas of my life. I’ve watched my relationships with others suffer because I avoided tough conversations for fear of conflict and rejection. I’ve experienced the frustration of wanting to be simultaneously mircro-managed and trusted to make my own decisions at work - micro-managed so that my boss would be pleased with every detail of my work, but also trusted to make my own decisions because I’m a capable adult human being. I’ve noticed it in the fact that even telling people where I want to go to lunch sometimes feels like an act of courage. Like, wut. That’s ridiculous. But it’s also true.

Social media is also a great example of people pleasing gone wild in my life. Did you know that when you receive a like or comment, your brain gets a hit of dopamine? Dopamine is the neurotransmitter that causes pleasure, motivation, and satisfaction in the brain (and the people who created social media know this by the way). Have you ever posted something and then incessantly checked your account for hours afterwards, riding the tidal waves of momentary satisfaction - one like and comment at a time - followed by the crashing of the wave when the likes and comments die off? I have. Every. Damn. Time. Like I said, I post - I mean live - for the applause-plause.

So, what to do about all of this? It’s depressing really, when you think about it. Living your life repressing all the intricacies of who you are in order to be accepted. It’s sad because you’re never truly fully known. And because there are people who would love to know you - the real you - and would accept the real you with open arms. But you are too scared to open yourself up to the potential of rejection, too scared to be vulnerable, to allow yourself to be fully known and fully loved. Sometimes I wonder how well some of my best friends even know me. Have I hidden too much of myself from even them? And if you want to go down a whole other rabbit trail (I won’t, for the sake of time) I often struggle with even knowing what I want, think, and desire because I’ve spent so much time mirroring those things of others that I’ve lost touch with my own.

Here’s what I’ve learned: People pleasing is like trying to satisfy a deep thirst by drinking from a water gun. And I mean the crappy dollar store ones that leak out of both ends. The approval of others is fleeting and satisfies for only a moment. But there is a better way.

I know a well that never runs dry. His name is Jesus. John 4:13-14 say, “Jesus answered, ‘Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.’” Jesus is the answer to satisfying this thirst - this longing - inside of me to be loved and accepted. And not as the person I think people will accept, but as my true self.

I said it was like drinking water from a water gun, but really it’s more like drinking vinegar when you need water - it’s not even the same thing. The momentary applause of others are not of the same substance as the love and acceptance of our Heavenly Father.

We are all created with a longing and desire to be loved and accepted. And our human nature tells us that the way to satisfy those desires is with the approval of others. But the only place to find true satisfaction - satisfaction that doesn’t come and go with the changing tides of others opinions of us - is in the love and acceptance from our loving Father. He created us with this longing and made it so that only He could satisfy it, not so that He could control us, but so we could know Him too.

He is constant, stable, unchanging. His love and acceptance don’t change based on our behavior. He doesn’t bless us for being good or punish us when we fail. He is the rock that we can stand on, the anchor in the storm, the only true place of security in an ever-changing world. I think a lot of my desire for acceptance boils down to me looking for security, and that’s why I only share the things that feel “safe”. When my security rests in the capable hands of my Father, I no longer need the applause of others to hold me up.

He loves us simply because we are His, like a parent loves their child, like I love Ellie. I’ve never felt a love like the love I have for her. It’s consuming and unending and it exists simply because she is mine. I loved her before she breathed her first breathe outside of my womb and I love her on the good days and the bad. I do everything I can to try to let her know she is loved and accepted and safe and secure. And as she grows, so does my understanding of the love that our Father has for us.

So, next Wednesday I’ll head to my therapist’s office for my appointment and we will continue digging deeper until we reach the root of my people pleasing tendencies. And once we find it, you better believe we’ll be uprooting it, setting it ablaze in an extraordinary display of triumph, and I’ll write a blog all about it so you too can share in our victory. And then I’ll turn my phone off for the rest of the day so that I’m not tempted to check the likes and comments because I will no longer be needing those things to feel loved and accepted. :)