On brokenness and grace
We tested our one rep max front squat at the gym today and I lifted 185 lbs. For those of you who don’t live in CrossFit or lifting world, all that means is we did front squats out of the rack and kept adding weight until the bar was too heavy for us to squat it. I attempted 195 lb. twice and failed. In my notes, I wrote that 185# was a “Postpartum PR (personal record)” because that’s the most weight I have front squatted since I got pregnant with Ellie.
The thing is, that’s how life is for me in the gym now. There is what I could do before Ellie, and what I can do after having Ellie. Birthing Ellie (and really the nine months of pregnancy leading up to it) changed everything for me. For more than a year into my postpartum journey I felt like I was two different people - old Katrina and new Katrina. Old Katrina was stronger, faster, fitter than new Katrina. For so long, all I wanted to be was old Katrina.
How many of us have that one moment that changed everything? Maybe it was an accident or illness that changed us forever, the end of a relationship we never saw coming, a mistake we made that we would give anything to go back and change. Maybe it was even a good thing, like the birth of your precious child, but it still left you grieving the things you sacrificed in the process (like your body and fitness progress). It’s a moment that lives on in your head and your heart and you just can’t seem to let it go.
Here’s the thing, all of those things are real and raw and worth being upset about. It’s ok - actually it’s good - to grieve things that leave you feeling broken. But I’m learning that I don’t have to stay in that place of brokenness forever.
Broken is the exact word I have used to describe how I felt postpartum. My body felt broken. My self image felt broken. My hope felt broken. For months I fought so hard to get back to the place that I “used to be” in the gym, and in many ways, I’m still not there. Like today, for example, when I front squatted more weight than I had in three years, but less than my old one rep max.
With a lot of counseling and a lot of work to disconnect my self image from my performance in the gym (more on that later), I am learning to enjoy and appreciate where I am today. I don’t have to get back to the place I used to be in order to be satisfied. I can celebrate where I am today, knowing my past shaped me, but didn’t ruin me. I can let go of the drive to push, push, push until I reach what used to be and simply give myself grace to exist with joy and peace in the present.
I think what most of us need and want is grace. Grace for the mistakes, grace for the life changes, grace for the brokenness. Grace to forgive ourselves, grace to stop comparing ourselves, grace to let go. One definition of grace includes, “disposition to kindness”. I think most of us would benefit from being kinder toward ourselves.
Sometimes the best way for us to accept grace is by receiving it from someone else. Someone who sees what happened, who knows the decisions we’ve made, and who tells us we are loved anyways. There is healing in that - in being accepted and loved and given grace from someone who knows not just our best moments, but also our worst. And the best place to receive this grace is from our loving Father.
He sees, He knows, He says, “I love you anyway.” He died on the cross so that His grace can cover our sin and guilt and shame and brokenness. His grace never runs out. His grace is sufficient. And His grace is a gift He offers to you today.
If you are struggling to let go of something from your past, I feel your pain. But my hope is that you could feel the peace, joy, and freedom that I am now experiencing as I learn to give myself grace and to accept grace from the Lord. There is hope and there is freedom and there is more than enough grace to go around.
